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Hi, it has taken a while but I have finally had a chance to sit down and share my story of Peer Abuse through my own eyes. This is my story and now, I am ready to share it with you.....all accounts are true and cover my early years, teen and college years and my adult life up to the present. So, sit back and here I go.......
I was born a child of curiosity, precociousness and feelings that ran very deep. Some would say today that I have a very old soul and I can vouch for that. I walked early, talked early and knew how to charm anyone as a baby. Plus, was an only child so never had anyone to fight with at home but my parents taught me how to share. I feel I was much better at it than those who did have siblings. However, I did not learn how to fight back so successfully. I also learned during these early years that people were not always nice.......mainly my peer group. I can remember at a very early age being pushed around physically and emotionally by the kids in my neighborhood. They would taunt me if I ever went outside, push me off of my bicycle, throw rocks at me and yell insults at me on a non-stop basis. Also, would always say things to me like "either do this or that or you cannot play" or set me up to get me into trouble when THEY should have been in trouble. Of course, I told my parents and they talked to the other parents of these children and of course, nothing was done about it and it continued. I was the bad kid and a whiny little crybaby according to them which I think prompted the bullying in the first place. In school, it was not much better. Nobody wanted to play with me because I was always "different". If they did play with me, it was because I owned something they wanted or they needed someone to push around. Also, I cried a lot, was sensitive, silly and was a quiet child, I would and still beat to my own drum. I was getting use to the names of "dummy" and "stupid" and it's variations. Also, I was learning that whenever I played tag, I was always "it" regardless. Also, it was okay to shove me into mud puddles and and spit on me. Of course, I did not tell, I never told. Besides, who would believe me? These tormentors were the teacher's pride and joy and if anyone ever got into trouble, I was right there to take the fall. It was me against the world. I learned that at a very early age.
In the 3rd grade, my mother moved me to a private school and I was more miserable there. My school mates came from some of the wealthiest families in town and had parents that really did not teach them good manners or respect. So, I created a fantasy world of everyone liking me and wanting to be my friend. Sure, more taunts, the hiding of my clothes in the locker room, having to do thus and such to get my clothes back or even to play with someone. My mother was frustrated because I had trouble with my peers and by this time, she saw me as the bad guy and it was frustrating. Sure, I cried a lot, had my feelings hurt easily, was a little more mature than my classmates in some respects......but I learned that was a BAD thing. NEVER show your feelings and keep mom happy. Also, I was learning that for me, friendship came with a price and that to be friends, you HAD to be mean and continually fuss and fight. Wasn't that what friends were for?
When I entered the 4th grade, my parents decided to move across town. I could not ride my bicycle, swing on my swing set, go in my front yard or even play on our car port without one of the kids coming over and harassing me. They would bully, I would cry (to this day, I am still highly emotional)the parents would come out and once again it was my fault. Always my fault. Also, the school I had attended the previous year, it closed down (YAY!)and I was back in public school. So, a new school and neighborhood which in my eyes was a whole new world! I moved to the neighborhood and got to know the girls on the street. They were easier to play and get along with for the most part. However, the ring leader of the bunch called all of the shots. If she wanted to play, we stopped EVERYTHING we were doing to cater to her every whim. If she had company over from outside of the neighborhood, we were not to disturb her and her company, we were screamed out of the yard. Sure, we were allowed to watch her and her guest play but we did not DARE ask to join, only watch their fun. These girls fetched and carried for her and at first, so did I. However, being the strong willed, independent person I am, I got tired of it and started to speak up. Of course, I was WRONG to do that, the world revolved around this particular little girl and she called all of the shots, who was I to challenge her authority? WHAT was I thinking? Sure, she had slumber parties and would not invite us, sure she would decide who could play and who could not and yes, because I challenged her "royalty" within the group, I had become her target. For a couple of years, it was subtle stuff done one on one. I never understood why these others girls continued to "worship" her and always place her on a pedistal, she was so mean and bitchy. So, I began to question this whole set up here.......why were rules meant for everyone but her? Why were we to do everything she wanted? When she had company, why were we only allowed to "watch" but not join in? Why did she have to be nasty towards certain ones? Most importantly, WHY was she so popular? The sad thing was that through this experience coupled with the other ones, I was learning that friends were people who were mean and horrible. Also, speaking up was a bad thing and even today, I worry I say the wrong things or speak up way to much out of fear more than anything. However, I do it, that is how I am. The people who treated you badly and made you feel bad WERE your friends. As mean as this little girl was, I was beginning to learn just how vicious she could really be. Things were just beginning at this point.......at this point, I developed my sixth sense that I have today when it comes to people.
As I entered the 7th grade, everyone was growing up and changing. I had started changing in the 5th grade physically which left me a real grouch like most girls going through puberty. Friends became more important than family and basically, my world was friends.....or trying to fit in. It was all about cute boys, make-up and being cool. That year, one of the girls from my neighborhood was in my classes with me. At first, I was thrilled, I had not been in a class with her since the 4th grade and she was my best friend. However, soon after school started, she begin to act wierd. She would not talk to me, was always whispering to others which left them being rude to me. Pretty soon, she was getting a lot of kids mad at me and to this day, I will never know what these rumors were about. The kids on the bus started pulling my hair and spitting in it. I had no idea what was going on. One day, my mother found out from another parent..the "queen of the street" was tired of me so she started the rumors and her mother kept them going through the mothers in the neighborhood, at my church and anywhere I went! Nobody was allowed to play with me and I had NO IDEA as to WHY!!! The Queen and Queen mother was able to get all of the girls on the street mad at me PLUS those at school. If I ever tried to talk to someone, the next day, they were bullying me. These rumors spread like wildfire and anywhere I went, someone was tormenting me. I could not focus in class and my parents tried to get me moved out of that class. The school said that it was my imagination and I was just too sensitive. I needed to buckle up, get my head out of the clouds and stop thinking about this nonsense, it was all in my head! So, I lived with this during middle school and thereafter. I was the bad kid, it was all in my head, my parents could not understand WHY I did not make any effort to get along with others (I TRIED but I paid in spades if I did, I could only go on what I knew)and the sad thing was that when the rumors started flying, "Queen bee herself" was not even IN middle school yet! She was in the 5th grade in Elemetary school and my rumors only heightened her popularity. My mother enrolled me in modeling a couple of years before where I would model clothes at the mall and shopping centers in the community for a local agency. I begged to get out of it because it also created more problems for me at school. I hated school, never wanted to go, begged to stay home and when my mother confronted "Queen Mother", she put this all on me. I was a bad child, had no social skills, constantly upset others, was waaay to emotional....I mean.....where was there room to be emotional? A crybaby, no room for that! I was just a thorn in everyone's side and the rumors and abuse continued. It became a daily ritual of being slammed into lockers, pushed around, had spitballs in my hair, called all kinds of names and on my first date that year, I was raped. Also, when I was 12, all of this triggered my first bout with what was to be clinical depression. My parents were furious because my self esteem was so low and my grades were terrible. At school, I was everyone's punching bag, in the neighborhood, I was a thorn in everyone's side, at church the rumors persisted and anywhere I went, I was taboo. I had no social skills and basically started to become afraid of my own shadow. I wanted to die and considered it at the age of 12.
After that horrible year, some kids moved on and stopped making my life such a living hell but not all of them did. I was able to make some friends but by that time, I was damaged goods. I thought friendship was something of convenience......be a friend until someone better came along. I thought friends were mean to one another so I would be mean. I had never hit anyone but verbally I would be. I was severly depressed and in dire need of therapy. At home, I was making my family "look" bad and was a lazy kid who did not want anything out of life. My grades were terrible and I was pushed into many activities where the bullies were and they could pick on me some more. I was insanely insecure with my peers and allowed myself to be used as long as someone would like me. I felt left out a LOT and very detached from my peers. As I had these issues, they would get frustrated with me all of the time. I was crying out for help and acceptance but instead, all I got was ridiculed, ignored and stashed aside.
By the time I hit the 9th grade and high school, I had become depressed, a large people pleaser and basically a door mat to my peers. I craved acceptance which allowed bullies to play on that and kick me around. I tried to be liked but was only ridiculed more. Looks like some of the rumors were still alive as the kids from other middle schools began to pick up on them which allowed those other bullies more excitement and entertainment. I was getting harassed before, during and after class. My guidance counselor and a couple of principals told me I would NEVER make it in college, my grades were HORRIBLE and my standardized test scores were terrible (I have never been one who could take these tests successfully). My grades were so bad, I failed 3 out of 6 classes that year and had to repeat the 9th grade which was done at a Catholic school. Of course, the bullying followed me there as my "best friend"(we had known one another years before) there would continue to use me until she found another friend and then would turn on me in an instant and when tired of her other friend, came back to me and blamed it all on the other friend....never her fault. Of course, by this time, I thought this was what friendship WAS about. So, yeah.....use me and make me miserable....I was bad, I had no self esteem, I was loaded with peer abuse, molestation and other issues. My grades continued to stink, my parents continued to stay mad with me, teachers could not stand me, I was severly depressed and always thinking of suicide, I was everyone's joke.....so yeah, give me what I deserve and hurry back so I can be your ball and chain until you make a new friend! I had to escape and found that pleasure in alcohol and cigarettes.
When I returned back to the high school I was at before (I barely passed the 9th grade a second time around), my so called "best friend" from there came and of course, helped turn others against me(such a pattern that was instilled in me for a long time).....it came back to me from several sources that she would talk bad about me to them to get them mad at me so she would have them to herself and could get me out of the way until nobody else was around. Afterall, I deserved it, right? I allowed myself to be bullied, I was drinking and smoking to curb the pain. My so called "friends" continued to have parties and not invite me but talk about them in front of me, I allowed myself to get used, my grades were terrible, I was severly depressed, I dated boys and if I did not allow them to disrespect me, I was dumped. So, I had to allow myself to be violated so I could find a husband because I was NOT going to make it in college. I was always depressed (which annoyed EVERYONE). Also, I developed anorexia to an extent because I had to look "good" to catch a husband. I was also experimenting regularly with drugs, became highly rebellious, always into trouble, a pain to everyone, bowed and scraped to my peers for acceptance and allowed them to tear up my first car, take things from me, use me and throw me away and I can honestly say that at this point, I felt as if I were walking around in a constant funk not knowing which way was up. Everywhere I went, I was BAD BAD AND BAD! I look back now and I think I stayed more intoxicated and high during those years rather than sane. I was not able to hold relationships and my insecurities reached an all time high. I was in counseling but nobody could reach me.......it was all in my head and I really needed to work on my "behavior". I had atempted suicide twice but to no avail. These are years I STILL do not want to rememeber.
I entered a junior college in my hometown and decided at the last minute NOT to get married. I had loved a boy that I dated my senior year that I allowed to abuse me physically and treat me like the trash I felt I was. When I entered college, I was around a whole new enviornment and the bullying subsided during the first two years. I had dated a guy who treated me like a princess and I could not handle that because I thought I deserved to be abused! I broke up with him, he briefly stalked me but the semester ended and that was that. Unfortunately, the issues did not. The depression was still there, the detaching feeling from my peers was alive and well. The lonliness was overwhelming and I could only survive two years of dorm life. I continued to allow myself to be used and learned that when I made a friend and they made a new friend, I was conditioned to back off and find another friend......I did not know any different! My self esteem was so low, very low. I was always the outsider looking in. The alcohol and cigarettes were always there for me even though I was not old enough to drink. During my Freshman and Sophomore years, I was refered for counseling at Mental Health and was diagnosed with issues of clinical depression but did not need meds. The Counselor was arrogant and told me I was wasting his time! My misery was basically of my own choosing according to this counselor.
During my Junior year of college, I had transfered to a school out of town. The girl I had planned to room with, she had become very abusive towards me over the past couple of years as I knew her from high school. Always reminding me that I looked bad, dressed bad, I always cried, was always depressed and had unnecessary anxiety (Social Anxiety developing within me) and panic, my social issues were highly annoying. So, she wanted me out of the room and turned the other girls in the suite and hall against me. She got me out and a girl who was my "so called friend" decided to move in where I had moved out! It was happening again and I was reminded of how terrible I was. Once again, the bad and evil girl needs to be punished! I was constantly depressed, a crybaby and a thorn in everyone's side. I was found in town by some police shortly after that experience sitting in my car wanting to kill myself. Someone found me and called the cops. The cops came and we called my parents. Instead of trying to help, they were upset because I woke them up with this nonsense. The next semester, I moved out on my own into an apartment. Also, this last experience was the straw that broke the camels back. I was up to HERE with people getting mad at me and turning on me because of these rumors and was tired of being depressed. So, I became AFRAID of people (Social Anxiety kicking in)....I stayed in my apartment that year, alone and became a compulsive student. Since I had began college, my grades had become really good. I was in a Honor Society for Psychology, Blue Key and on the Dean's list. The next two years of college, I obsessed over my school work. I tried to forget my depression, my social issues, I drank myself into blackouts and hangovers. I found myself having spells of pure excitement and would not eat, sleep (I have gone up to a month without sleep)and do crazy things like drive to Georgia on a whim, run up charge cards and things like that and then find myself in a funk. I dated some and got serious but of course, I had a TON of issues from being violated in high school and the first semester of my Junior year in college. I had repressed so much of this that by my final semester of college, I had begin to have nightmares and once again, go back to counseling as THESE issues came back up from repression and haunted me for quite some time. Also, as I did an internship at the local Alcohol and Drug Center, I learned that there was a pattern of abuse and alcoholism in my family and bit by bit, started to wing myself off of alcohol. Many did not know I drank because it was done alone and in secret. I graduated college having a 3.0 with a AA in Liberal Arts, BS in Psychology and a minor in English and 3 credits short of one in Education. I learned to be compulsive and took that with me as I entered adulthood. My issues were still there as was the depression. Friends would not put up with me and threatned and warned I was going to be dropped if I continued to behave this way. Or, they would just be my friend, ignore my issues and take them and complain to someone else or do things that I learned later were triggers. It was their way of "getting back" at me for the horrible way I was always being and treating everyone. All I wanted was love and acceptance but was slowly going insane......I am sure I was not perfect and I know I hurt many people. However, it was all I KNEW! WHAT was I suppose to do? I take responsibility for what I had done to hurt others. However, at the same time, it was all I knew........not an excuse, just the facts!
I left college with good grades, nightmares, issues from rape and peer abuse that were unresolved and finally kicked the booze but still drank occasionally. I had found work and found myself doing a poor job and of course, was bullied. I was ALWAYS doing something wrong. I did not know what I was doing, I was apologizing for even exsisting and to this day, I catch myself doing this. Also, my depression was running way out of control, it was starting to reek havoc on my life. I was scared of people, would go for weeks with no sleep and was dealing with the rape issues that haunted me. I did some anger management to help cope with this and I knew I wanted to be a counselor so enrolled in graduate school after college. It all came to a head one weekend during the spring of 1993 and was sent to the Dr and a counselor who diagnosed me as Bi-polar II and put on meds. Once I was on meds, the world and my own outlook began to change and I really got to work on myself.
I felt I had a new awakening after being diagnosed and on meds. I was able to focus, rationalize better and finally, therapy began to work for me. I started learning and setting goals for myself. I worked on my self esteem, continued to journal and work on my anger management. I had been involved in an Adult Children of Alcoholics group and started to learn of my issues with Co-dependency in relationships. Also, how some of my own dysfunction came from my family background. However, even though progress was being made, I still had the worst to deal with, my peer abuse issues. I moved out of my families home and went to work for the State. However, it was very stressful and found myself working overtime and never allowing myself any social time. When I did, I allowed myself to be abused, pushed around and still took it. One friend got to the point where she stalked me and played mind games with me. She freaked me out big time and I got away from her for safety reasons. I had known her all of my life and with her, EVERYTHING was about competition and jealousy and she use to tell me to "butt out" and lie when other friends came into the pictured. I worked and went to grad school and allowed very little social time. I was tired of being hurt and abused and tried to avoid it or would not allow others to get close to me. Socializing was a scary thing for me. I had also gotten into debt with a bout with my depression and had to move back home eventually. I worked two jobs, an internship and finished grad school at the same time. After grad school, I went into the workforce and was distant and still loaded with issues. I picked up on peer abuse occuring and with my issues, my number one priority was to keep from being bullied. However, still afraid of people, not allowing many in except for a slight few, the bullies smelled my fear. I constantly apologized for my existence and found it hard to work and function with this occuring. I went from that job to another one with PTSD issues from the previous job. I decided NOBODY was going to try and run me out ANYWHERE again. When I started to work for an Alcohol and Drug Abuse Commission, I became married to my job. Even though I had worked hard and healed in these other areas, my peer abuse issues, I still had. Also, was working on peer abuse on my own starting in 1995 with a LOT of observational research and theories I had devised on my own. As I continued to be the people pleaser, hang around friends until someone or something better came along, became a compulsive workaholic, I revolved my life around my job, peer abuse on the side and avoiding everyone so I would not have to deal with the PTSD I had from my previous job. I would work overtime a lot, my depression was acting up as my triggers were going off like fireworks. Many bullies worked in that agency which kept me in a tail spin. I could not focus at all. Afterall, I deserved this, I was BAD BAD BAD!!!! By the time I was barely 31, after having many physical and emotional problems, I had to leave my job as I had a nervous breakdown. It was time to evaluate once and for all. Enough was enough already! I was thisclose to death, I kid you not.
For the past five years, I have focused mainly on healing and been on a journey of self discovery of sorts. I have learned what triggers me and have gotten this depression under control. I have learned so much about myself; aspects of my personality that I had repressed ages ago. I stopped being a people pleaser and learned to please myself. I am able to maintain relationships and focus but am still working on the offline group thing. I have been developing peer abuse and really focusing on it and my writing for the past five years. My father passed away and had to care for two sick parents at once as my mom had extensive back surgery right before my dad got sick. However, as I cared for my mother, I was able to begin working on peer abuse and my writing full time. Many years of dysfunction and beginning to finally learn! I have done a LOT of healing the past five years. I know myself WELL now and continue to care for my depression and reach out to others as I have always loved people. Despite what I experienced, I honestly feel that people are good at heart. It does not always show but it is how I feel. I still have "stuff" from peer abuse and some social anxety, however, I work daily towards healing. Offline groups is what I am still trying to master. I am learning everyday and healing. Also, I learned to rely on GOD and my faith has carried me to this point and will continue to do so. I am far from perfect but I know I am a good person and will continue to work on my issues along with my gifts and talents I was born with. As for bullies, I am able to pick an abuser up IMMEDIATELY and REFUSE to be a target for them again and have NOT been bullied in five years. Nobody deserves that, NOBODY! I call a spade a spade and will continue to work and see that NOBODY has to go through this again! NOBODY! It has gone on too long, is wrong and needs to STOP! As for the bullies who have been in my life, I wish them well but I cannot have them as a part of my life any longer. One day, I hope to be off medication completely and to be 100% healed. At the same time, healing takes a LOAD of time and focus. At the same time, I know I am not this "bad girl" anymore and my feelings and thoughts are valid. Never hide what you are feeling (of course within reason here) and if you want to scream, shout or cry, DO IT! It's YOUR party and you can do what you want to.
Some people read my story and I get various feedback. Mothers write and let me know that their daughters are going through this and I have been able to help. Women write to me and tell me they can relate to this and am glad people are out there who are FINALLY recognizing this. Some write and are amazed at what I went through. Or, some from my past who knew me during some of these times will write and they had no idea that I went through all of this. I also get feedback from some who say that I put this out there for attention and I feel sorry for myself. OR, I am just being a victim and a liar. Well guess what? WHO CARES WHAT ANYONE THINKS! This story is out here for one reason and one reason alone......to make people aware of what bullying does to a person....how far it can go and the ramifications of it. Society wants to call this "bullying", search for quick solutions without understanding this problem, and it is not seen as a form of abuse. Folks, when anything leaves a clinical and psychological impact on someone, it IS abuse. People suffer from clinical depression, social anxiety and PTSD and while some are able to get off meds, others may not be so lucky. Adults are out there developing abnormal coping skills and they keep this inside themselves because they do not want to have any more abuse heaped upon them. This is a social abuse and instead of trying to understand the victims, they condemn and heap more abuse upon them. Me? Yeah, I use to do this to but not anymore. Repression is dangerous and also, it's MY party and I will cry if I want to. All repression did for me was make me more confused, depressed and sick inside. Who NEEDS that?
Do I see myself as a victim? Nope, as a survivor. To me, a victim will remain angry, bitter, refuse help of any kind, play the blame game and continue to point fingers at what this and that person did to them. Plus, they take no responsibility. A survivor is one who goes through it, realizes the affects, seeks help, works on it on a daily basis, relearns coping skills, thought patterns and social skills. Also, they take what they have learned, gather all resources and see how they can help others who are dealing with this or use that negative energy and try to do positive. Now, all of my social skills are not learned and I still have anxiety in them. I have had to put myself in situations where the skills are still not learned or I am working on them. If putting myself in these situations will give someone an education of sorts, good. I can promise you that seeing this first hand will have a greater impact on someone rather than just hearing about it. How do I cope with these skills? For the most part, avoid these situations as much as possible. However, if I have take get out of this comfort zone and take a journey into hell, so be it. At least people will have seen it themselves first hand and get something out of it. Also, I know I can take that temporary journey into hell and get myself out and quickly. My healing is far too along now to remain there.
Please, if you are dealing with being bullied or any of this, PLEASE talk to someone. Contact your local Mental Health Center, get on meds if need be. Do NOT keep this to yourself or keep quiet for fear of making people uncomfortable. Trust me, your well being is at stake and keeping someone "comfortable" can eat you up inside. If you or someone you know is bullycidal or has attempted bullycide, PLEASE contact 1-800-suicide and talk to someone. NOBODY and I mean NOBODY deserves to be treated like crap and NOBODY should be heaping abuse on others either. EVERYONE has rights and deserves to be treated with respect. Everyone is beautiful in their own right and GOD does NOT make junk!
Thanks for reading my story. I hope that it helps people out there and wakes up folks to this serious problem. Please feel free to visit my site at http://www.peerabuse.com, http://www.peerabuse.net and http://www.bullypolice.org and see how you can go about getting help or learning more. Thanks again to you and may GOD bless you!
Elizabeth Bennett
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